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School Demo/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW As you can see, I've got a bunch of roof trusses here. That's because sometimes when you do a job you over-estimate the amount of materials you're gonna need, and you end up with a fair whack of it left over. Not me, but that construction site up the street sure does. I mean, they roofed a whole house and they had all these left over. You know, unless they're gonna put a roof on the garage. But who puts a regular roof on a garage? The point is that a man my age should be able to do something creative with roof trusses. We know a little about roofs, and most of us have had experience with trusses. The main thing to notice here is all the triangles inside one of these. And we all know how strong triangles are. Remember your bicycle? Remember how strong that crossbar felt when the chain broke? See, it's the triangles inside the trusses that make them strong enough to hold up a roof. So I figure they gotta be strong enough to hold up a car. That's right, you guessed it. With the help of a little middle-aged ingenuity, and a roll or two of the handyman's secret weapon, I'm gonna show you how to get two vehicles into one parking space. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] [ ♪♪♪ ] thank you very much. I appreciate that. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. Town council's decided to demolish the old school that we all went to, and they're asking for local tenders from anybody who'd like to rip her down. And guess who got the contract?! Serendipity do da day! Boy, this has to be the best day of my life, mr. Green! Being asked to break and enter! No more homework, no more books, the whole darned school's gettin' the hook! I'm gonna knock down every corner they ever made me stand in. Actually, I blame my teachers for my life of crime. They flunked me so many times, when I finally made it outta there, I was tried as an adult. Uncle red! I just heard you guys are gonna tear down the old school. Is that true, or did my ears deceive me? Well, they sure don't flatter you. No, I mean, you guys know nothing about demolition. Harold, look around you. Yeah, but I also heard you're doing it for free. Well, that was the lowest tender. Look, don't be a wet blanket here, harold, you've had enough wet blankets in your life. We've got a job to do, and we're gonna go do it. Lead on, mike. You're tearing the school down for nothing. What kind of business deal is that? Pretty good one, coz we were willing to pay. Okay, well... It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner receives this coupon for a free burger from marty's mystery meat market, where if you can guess the animal you're eating, we'll give you a free otter. Okay, cover your ear things, winston. Mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds to get winston rothschild to say this word... Yeah, all right, mike. And... Go! Uh, okay, winston, when you first started high school, you were encouraged to pick a... Desk near the front. Okay, no no, okay, your guidance counselor helped you to find a... Reason to hate guidance counselors. Okay, okay, to you now sewage is not just a job it's a... Privilege. Okay, okay. Let's say you have a job that you will never lose no matter how bad you screw it up, okay. We call that a... Senate appointment. Uh, we're almost outta time, mr. Green. Okay, winston, your dad, he's a real talker, I want you to tell me what your mom says about him, but say it real slow. She says he can talk her ear off. "tall career"! I heard it. I heard it! At rothschild's, our motto is, just do it... Then call us. You know, as a vehicle gets older and you you don't take care of it, it will eventually get too dangerous to put on the road. Like this baby here. No brakes left on her at all, which is a bad idea in our area, because we got lotsa hills and at least one lawyer. But the engine's still good. And it doesn't seem right to throw out the whole thing when one part still works. That'd be a dangerous precedent for any middle aged husband. So instead, I'm gonna convert this historic automobile into a one-of-a-kind gasoline-powered yard clock. Step one... Take off all the small pieces of chrome trim. Okay, now, you mount the little pieces of chrome around the hood, see? That'll be the numbers on your clock. Make sure it's a perfect circle. Geometry is actually a big part of today's handyman corner. Next thing you wanna do is drill a precision hole exactly dead-centre in your clock. I did eventually find the centre. Kind of a process of elimination. Now, these windshield wipers here, they're my hour hand and my minute hand. And then I've used this radio antenna as my second hand. But I really coulda used anything off the vehicle, coz it's a second-hand car. [ laughter ] okay, now, this is the tricky part. You gotta find a way for the minute hand to go 60 times slower than the second hand, and for the hour hand to go 60 times slower than the minute hand. Now, if I had to do that in my head, I know I'd be looking at a very serious cranial implosion. So instead, I took the workings out of an old grandfather clock that bernice inherited, and just used that. Besides, we always forgot to wind that old clock. And now with this gas-powered unit, we don't even have to. And to get the engine to run the clock, I spliced a couple of fan belts together, run them off the water pump and around this clothes line pulley. All right, let's fire her up! Oh, I might run the grandfather clock outta harm's way. Bernice gets a little weird whenever I touch her stuff. I got her set to 1,000 rpm for starters, and I can just adjust from there if it's the wrong speed. And I added a couple extra doo-dads. I put a couple of switches at 12 o'clock and the 6 o'clock position, then wired them into the horn relay. So you get a signal on the hour and on the half hour. [ horn honking ] and then I put another movable switch in there that you can stick anywhere you want. I put it right beside the 9 o'clock there. That's the alarm. I got it wired into the car radio. [ music playing ] so remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you -- oh yeah, one other thing. If the radio's not strong enough to get you up, I added another little feature. Mounted a little teeter-totter there beside the hour that I wanted to get up at and then I just balance a little shotgun shell on there. You'll notice I've taken the air cleaner off the carburetor. There's a reason for that. This'll either wake you up, or put you to sleep forever. [ ♪ ] you know, with all the special effects hollywood has these days, they can make things happen in movies that would never happen in life. Like, say, a young, good-looking woman falls for a fat, bald, middle aged guy. That's a fantasy right there. It's a fantasy you just can't get in the real world. Well, okay, maybe you can get it, but it tends to be expensive. And usually leads to a couple of arrests... One police, one cardiac. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't any young women who are attracted to us middle aged guys. But if you walk around sucking your gut in until you find one, you're gonna wind up hunch-backed. The younger women tend to like younger men. That's because they can still sculpt and mold them. It's hard enough to wait until the guy's mother is done with him; it's impossible if they wait until mother nature has taken him into the late rounds. Coz a woman sees a man not as a man, but as a do-it-yourself man kit. And nobody wants to play with a kit after somebody else has glued it together. Especially if they lost the directions and wrecked the most important parts. Remember, I'm pullin' for ya; we're all in this together. [ applause ] rothschild sewage is just what you need... You bite, we suck, everybody's happy. Heheheh. Well, the town council gave us four weeks to tear down the school. We did her in 27 minutes. I'll tell ya, first time I enjoyed going to the principal's office. Uncle red! Yeah? That was awful! Oh boy. You weren't supposed to pulverize everything. The bricks coulda been recycled. Well, they still can, harold, just add water to the powder, you got clay. Hahaha! Whoa! I feel like a man again! That was great! Way better than marriage counselling. Mike, you feelin' okay? Yep. No headache or anything? No. I do not get you guys. You just tore down a whole part of your life. You're not the least bit upset about it. Can you not see that that school was a part of each of you?! Well, I can see it was a part of mike. I mean the place represents a time in your life when you were young and full of hope and promise. This is not a happy day; this is a sad day. If you had any sensitivity at all, you'd be full of regret right now. Harold, every time I see you, I'm full of regret. Don't you regret things in life that didn't turn out? You know, like marriage or career or... Things you said? Things you didn't say. Things you shoulda said but didn't because you're a man and you just sucked it up so missed the opportunity to tell your dad how much admired him, and you missed the chance for him to tell you how proud of you he is of you. Things like that. Harold... I just wanted to be hugged. But no, I had to settle for what I could get! Wasn't good enough for daddy! [ sobbing ] I just wanted a little affection. He said I'd go blind! Red: When you're a man, there is nothing better than having a big steak barbeque. Bill had brought the barbeque and mike was there, and there's walter behind the coolers. You gotta have the beverages, you know. Actually, I think the meat was in there. So bill's -- oh the -- okay, the barbeque is not in pristine condition. But, uh, no problem, get that lid off one way. There we go. Now, wait, wait, no, you don't need charcoal. This is a propane unit. You know, it's not new, but it's still good. No, I'm wrong. It is a charcoal barbeque. So bill -- and then the bottom comes out -- oh boy! Bottom come right out of her. All right, no, that's good, that's good. And meanwhile, just set those down on -- table doesn't look -- doesn't look strong enough to me. But I get the barbeque starter from mike. I probably should've put this on myself, but foolishly I -- bill likes to take over. And he likes to -- he likes to put things in -- and he probably overdid her a little. So I'm just steppin' back. Meanwhile, walter and mike are getting out the steak. Got some beautiful steaks there. And they kinda go up -- we got the small, we got the medium, and they eventually get to the large, which may look like that picture in health of a couple of sets of lungs. Man, that looks good. Meanwhile, he's put the -- oh! Okay, bill, I'm not sure -- there's a lotta gas -- bill, there's a lotta gas, I think maybe you should just -- oh, yeah. He's not worried. Okay, he thinks that's fine, but you know what, he's not looking at the origin, actually, of the flame. So what do you do now, bill? Hmm? Mr. Smarty? Oh! All right, good, no, that works. Okay, meanwhile we got all the meat laying out... Well, you know, once you heat up the barbeque, you might as well cook for the whole season. And an odd thing about having meat. It seems to draw the flies, and I dunno... It just -- out there for two minutes and suddenly you got the flies all over it. We have a lot of flies in our area. It's actually the provincial bird. So we get the flies outta there, and then bill slaps -- that was a mistake there. And mike, he had been a drummer with trooper in the early days. So he got -- and then again he -- oh boy. Snagged one there. And then walter had the bug -- actually that's gonna affect the taste, and he goes, yeah, it is. So luckily, bill had brought the bug light, which apparently attracts the flies. He plugged it in, and the flies just start migrating over there, which is good, but you know with those bug lights, they can only handle so many flies, and then they -- so that was a problem, now the flies are all coming back. So they're starting to get on our bodies and stuff, so mike grabs a chop and starts choppin', I guess you could say. The thing about flies, you know individually they're not that strong. When you get a group of them together they have a fair amount of lift on them. They can actually take a steak right out of your hand. Hang on there. You're losing him. You're losing him! Oh man. And what happened next, I really can't describe. I just -- I cannot erase the memory of all of our great steaks levitating in front of our very eyes. If you see these flying over your house, please call the lodge. [ applause ] you know, one of the strongest bonds in life is between the man and his vehicle. It's almost like you know what each other is thinking. Unfortunately, there are people in this world who don't appreciate that quiet and intimate understanding. You know who I'm talking about. People who sit over in this area here and tell you everything you're doing wrong. "hey, slow down!" "that was a stop sign, you know." "where are we?" that kinda thing. But the biggest dividing point comes when this little light by the fuel gauge goes on. The passenger starts goin' squirrely on ya, but you know you've got 50 or 60 miles before there's any real problem. Well, here's a way to keep everybody happy. When that light goes on, it just means there's not enough gas in the part of the gas tank where the switch is. So all you gotta do is loosen off the gas tank straps and then just tip the tank a little. The trick is, we need a way to tilt the tank from the driver's seat. And it's gotta be something subtle that the passenger won't notice. Now, sure, you know, if you were a government engineer you'd probably build some type of hydraulic lift, but I don't have the kind of free time those guys do. So let's see what we can make with the materials that are available. I guess you could call this rig public enema number 1. I ran the tube up inside the car, and I got it to the driver's seat, but now I need something that will inflate the rubber bottle and tilt the tank. And look what I've found. A whoopi cushion. Is this my lucky day, or what? All I gotta do is blow this baby up, and then slip it over the end of my feeder tube, and I'm in business. Okay, I've got my whoopi cushion hooked up, and in place and completely under my control. So I'm driving along and I look down and... Oh, my goodness! The fuel light is on. And the passenger starts screaming... As a woman: Hey, stupid, you're outta gas. Outta gas? I don't think so. [ cheers and applause ] [ blubbering ] well, this is great. Harold's got half the lodge cryin'. Bit of a kleenex shortage going on here. What exactly is dalton's problem, harold? Well, it seems when he was a boy, his father gave him a chicken. But it was supposed to be a rooster! I waited for it to say cockledoodledo till I was 11! [ both sobbing ] there was no cockledoodledo! What's wrong with them? Well, they got the cryin' flu, and typhoid harold is the carrier. Geez, I was so happy when we flattened the school. Now I'm disquieted. Just as long as you don't start crying. Oh, don't worry, mr. Green. I've been in the slammer. I've seen it all. Nothing makes me cry. No. That's what I vowed to myself. Yeah. Yeah. That first night. Oh. When the cell door closed. Oh, boy! Mike? All right. That was good. [ laughing turns to sobbing ] [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Meeting time. [ wailing ] okay, if my wife is watching, I will definitely be coming straight home after the meeting. I gotta get outta here. I haven't seen this many men crying since they cancelled baywatch. And to the rest of ya, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole sobbing gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] meeting come to order. Sit down. Sit down, everybody. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. All right, men, we had a little incident here today. We knocked the school down and there was a lotta dust. And it got into the eyes and some guys got teary-eyed. Dalton here got teary-eyed. And I'm wondering, did anybody else get teary-eyed? Anybody? Yeah, that's what I thought. It was just the dust. That's all it was, it was just dust. So from now on, whenever we do a job like this, we're gonna wear safety goggles. My dad had a pair like that! [ everybody sobbing ] [ ♪ ]